  Teenage Anger
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
April 4, 2004
Teen anger
takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation & resentment, or rage & fury. It's the expression of teenage
anger - the behavior - that we see. Some teens may repress their anger
& withdraw; others may be more defiant & destroy property.
They'll continue their behavior,
or it may escalate, until they decide to look within themselves to the roots of their anger.
But teenage anger is a feeling, an emotion, not a behavior.
And anger
is usually caused by something going on in a teen's life.
Teen anger
can be a frightening emotion, but it isn't inherently harmful. Its negative expressions can include:
- physical & verbal violence
- prejudice
- malicious gossip
- antisocial behavior
- sarcasm
- addictions
- withdrawal
- psychosomatic disorders
These negative expressions
of teenage anger can devastate lives, destroying relationships, harming others, disrupting
work, clouding effective thinking, affecting physical health & ruining futures.
But, there's a positive aspect
to such expression, as it can show others that a problem exists. Teenage anger is usually
a secondary emotion brought on by fear.
It can motivate us to resolve
those things that aren't working in our lives & help us face our issues & deal with the underlying reasons for the
anger, specifically things such as:
- Abuse
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Grief
- Alcohol or substance abuse
- Trauma
Teenagers face a lot of emotional
issues during this period of development. They're faced with questions of identity, separation, relationships & purpose.
The relationship between teens
& their parents is also changing as teens become more & more independent. Parents often have a difficult time dealing
with their teen's new-found independence.
This can bring about frustration
& confusion that can lead to anger & a pattern of reactive behavior for both parents
& teens. That is, teens are simply negatively reacting to their parent's behaviors & parents react back in an equally
negative manner.
This sets up a self-reinforcing
pattern of interaction. Unless we work to change our own behavior, we can't help another change theirs. We need to respond
rather than react to each other & to situations.
The intention isn't to deny
the anger, but to control that emotion & find a way to express it in a productive or
at least, a less harmful, manner.
Teenagers dealing with anger can ask these questions of themselves to help bring about greater self-awareness:
- Where does this anger come
from?
- What situations bring out this feeling of anger?
- Do my thoughts begin with absolutes such as "must," "should,"
"never?"
- Are my expectations unreasonable?
- What unresolved conflict am I facing?
- Am I reacting to hurt, loss, or fear?
- Am I aware of anger's physical
signals (e.g., clenching fists, shortness of breath, sweating)?
- How do I choose to express my anger?
- To whom or what is my anger
directed?
- Am I using anger as a way
to isolate myself, or as a way to intimidate others?
- Am I communicating effectively?
- Am I focusing on what has been done to me rather than what
I can do?
- How am I accountable for what I'm feeling?
- How am I accountable for how my anger
shows up?
- Do my emotions control me, or do I control my emotions?
So what can teens & parents
do? Listen to your teen & focus on feelings. Try to understand the situation from his or her perspective.
Blaming & accusing only
builds up more walls & ends all communication.
Tell them how you feel, stick
to facts & deal with the present moment. Show that you care & show your love. Work towards a solution where everyone
gets something & therefore feels okay about the resolution.
Remember that anger is the feeling & behavior is the choice.
click here to visit the source!
What other teen topics send you right into the ANGRY screamin' mimmies????
Cheating boyfriends/girlfriends?
Controlling Your Anger
Very often, being angry is a natural reaction to a situation.
However, handling that anger in a socially appropriate manner is something to be learned & practiced. If you grew up in
a family that responds to anger by shouting & yelling, you'll probably get angry easily & respond naturally in this
way. If you grew up in a family that responds to anger by always talking things through, being polite & never blowing
up, you may still become angry at times, but will learn to handle it by hiding it. There are benefits & drawbacks to both
styles.
Expressing your anger can help you to feel relief & avoid
further stress, but it may hurt others & put that stress onto them. Worse, it may not help to change the situation which
made you angry in the first place. Holding your feelings in & not expressing anger can cause you to feel the effects of
stress in other physical & emotional ways if you don't somehow get relief. When you feel yourself getting angry, a first
step is to consider the source of the anger. Are your feelings justified, or are they selfish? Will expressing your anger
help or hurt the situation? Can you solve the problem in a way that doesn't hurt others physically or emotionally? When you
feel yourself getting angry take the following steps.
- Take a deep breath, hold it a minute, then slowly let it out.
- Take a moment where you don't say anything, but just think
about the situation.
- Ask yourself why you are upset: Are you not getting your way?
Does someone not understand you? Has someone else done something to you?
- Before you react, consider what you will gain by your reaction.
Your number one goal should be to get the best results from the situation.
- Now respond. This might mean walking away
rather than making things worse. It might mean talking things over. It might mean expressing your anger in a firm but calm
way. It might mean explaining to someone else how they upset you. It might mean letting your anger go because you realize
it is unproductive.
If you follow these steps & practice them whenever you can,
you will find that, while you might still get angry, you may also get better results & feel less stress.
source: click here
Stop Anger from Taking Over
Anger is the emotion that seems to get people into the most
trouble with teachers, parents, family, friends & police.
Too much anger fuels huge problems. Ever see someone having
"road rage?" It's scary to watch or experience & it's very dangerous. Someone who gets that angry is out of control, is
showing terrible judgment & is placing his own & other's lives in great jeopardy.
Anger occurs when frustration is high. In moderation it is fine.
It warns us that something is wrong & needs to be addressed. It often arises from a sense of injustice, a feeling that
something is very unfair. It is a great motivator: sometimes for the good, as when a person uses anger to take constructive
action & doesn't lose control & sometimes it's bad, as when a driver loses control & acts with reckless hostility.
We all live in a frustrating world. We all need to learn how
to control or direct the frustration, which can quickly turn into anger. Temper tantrums are only for very young children.
When you feel yourself becoming too angry, or on the brink of acting on your anger, you might:
- Try the old "count to ten" technique: it often works by delaying
action.
- Think about the fear or frustration that caused the other person
to act in a way that upset you.
- Try to feel empathy for the person rather than anger. Sometimes
compassion calms hostility.
- If you or someone (or something) you care about is being treated
unfairly, try to offer a solution that makes the situation more fair.
- Sometimes simply walking away is a great alternative to acting
out your anger. That takes a lot of poise & maturity & it shows a lot of poise & maturity, too.
Anger doesn’t have to be a bad emotion. When
kept in check, anger can inspire great writing, great athletic performance or great social progress. But restraint & good
sense are the keys to having anger be constructive rather than destructive. It can be either.
source: click here
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kat says more about anger....
hey ya'll....
did you see where some of the info here referred to "your
reactions?"
what is your normal reaction to something that may not make
you happy to hear about... like let's say...
your g-friend or b-friend is seen kissing someone of the opposite
sexual gender?
do you fly off the handle in a rage and start yelling?
do you instantly begin to cry with big alligator tears pouring
down your cheeks like waterfalls?
we can control ourselves although being a teenager is almost
a license to produce drama... we can control how we react if we CHOOSE to... but we must make a rational decision to stop...
don't react.... think first.... then CHOOSE to control yourself or to react with sometimes... ANGER!!!!
so this is something that we need to look into - reactions...
About Anger: A Practical Guide
By Lynda Bevan
About Anger – The Different Styles
Where does anger come from?
Anger
is an emotion. It stems from issues in your past that are both unresolved & unforgiving. These feelings are buried deep down inside you & can cause you emotional & physical harm.
Anger comes from a past environment of confusion, chaos & lack of communication
between family members. If you have seen your parents become angry, on a regular basis,
you'll perceive this behavior as normal & are more likely to adopt the same method of interaction yourself.
Anger is a habit that's rooted in your sub-conscious mind. It's a formed pattern
of behavior that's firmly established. A pattern of behavior / habit can be changed.
Anger is based in your own fear & insecurities & a belief that you are, or have been wronged.
Anger (healthy)
It's important to understand that there's a positive side to anger.
Healthy anger is part of the basic belief system that stems from a ‘high frustration
tolerance level’.
Anger used in its positive sense provides you with the drive to attempt & accomplish
difficult tasks you perceive as threatening or unattainable / out of your reach. It motivates you to push yourself that extra
mile in order to achieve the unachievable!
Positive anger is an essential element in your life. Without it you are lethargic, hopeless,
unmotivated & negative. Positive anger gives you the energy to tackle
Situations / obstacles /opportunities that are challenging. It allows you to expand
your boundaries & take risks.
Healthy anger
stems from a set of healthy beliefs:
- Passion Competence
- Drive Honesty Adequacy
- Enthusiasm Dependability Intuition
- Energy Loyalty Perception
- Responsible Lovable Confident
- Respectful Equality Assertive
Anger (unhealthy)
Is part of the belief system that stems from a low frustration tolerance level. Therefore, when faced with any situation that you're unable to understand
or deal with, you resort to anger. When you resort to anger
you're actively engaging in threatening &/or frightening people in order to push them away & not engage in the conversation
or set of circumstances that presents itself. You do this because you're unable to participate in healthy discussions that
you can't control.
Unhealthy anger stems from a set of unhealthy beliefs:
- A need to control Rejection Lethargy
- A dislike of criticism Failure Hopelessness
- Resentment Intimacy Unmotivated
- Jealousy Incompetence Unintuitive
- Envy Inadequacy Unperceptive
- Fear Lack of education
10 ways on how ‘unhealthy anger’ is used in relationships
• To get our own way
• To sabotage ourselves & others
• To frighten someone
into submission
• To control people, situations & outcomes
• To shift blame from ourselves
•
To show disrespect
• To criticize
• To intimidate
• To victimize
• To bully
Style 1: To get your own way:
Wanting & having total control. Putting you first, at any price. The act of being completely selfish. This individual
is frightened of what would happen if he/she didn’t have total control.
They're scared that, if they aren't
in control of all situations & people nearest to them, their circumstances / life could change dramatically & they
would be left ‘high & dry.’
They have no basic self-respect or
like themselves & believe they aren't liked or respected by others & therefore, they have a desperate need to stay
in control in order to keep & preserve what they have. They feel they're failures.
They manipulate those people closest
to them by any method that works for them by, i.e.:
• Menacing behavior
• Coaxing &
cajoling
• Luring you into a false sense of security
• Sulking
•
Aggression
• Attacking
• Bribery
• Threatening
• Walking out (as if never to return/you wish!) He/she'll be back!
•
Violence (as in slamming doors, stamping around the house)
• Body language (large &
looming over you)
• Accusing
• Blaming
• Physical Violence (when this occurs, or if there's a strong probability of this happening in your relationship – GET OUT!)
In my opinion, this type of person
is only respected by people who know them on a superficial level. This controlling type can be friendly, talkative & interesting
in professional & social situations. It's only when someone oversteps the self-imposed boundaries of the controller that
outsiders will spot that this person is intolerant, aggressive, rude & threatening.
Negative Options on how to deal with
someone who wants to ‘get their own way’.
• Do anything you want behind your partner’s
back
• Try & coax, cajole & beg your partner to agreeing with you
• Tell the truth at all times
(in the full knowledge that the outcome will be anger)
& put up with the consequences
• Enter into lengthy discussions about the innocence of your intentions (usually to no avail)
• Give him/her support at any price
•
Love him/her more & dance to their tune, to show & prove you could never, or wouldn't want to be, without them
•
Give in & submit all the time
• Give up on having a life of your own
• Fight ‘fire with fire’
& retaliate with anger
OR
Positive options on how to
deal with someone always ‘getting their own way.
• Be still – don't
react – let them ‘run out of steam.’
• Don't be provoked, whatever they say
• Stay in
control of YOU
• Devise a plan of action (the outcome you want to achieve)
• Stay focused
on what you want
• Say nothing, other than giving answers such as, “I'm
not responding to you because I don’t know the answer yet & can’t give you the answer you want at this time.”
• Continue (quietly
& unobtrusively) to follow your own plan & do your own thing (this
will give you confidence & raise your self-esteem)
• Encourage open & honest discussions during
quiet, peaceful, relaxing times
• When there's
an easy flow of conversation, taking place between you, assess whether it might be an appropriate time to air an issue causing
you concern, i.e. “when we argue I feel unable to respond to you because you shout & frighten me with your presence.”
This admission, gently said & repeated over many months, might eventually sink in & he/she might decide to start listening
& stop shouting.
• Decide to change yourself (taking small steps & making small changes at first). This will provoke him to responding
to you in a different way. If this is done slowly there will be a positive result as shown in my book, a 10 step-guide called,
‘My Way’ (how to live within a difficult relationship). This
guide is an empowering strategy for change in relationships.
• Decide to leave him/her
The most effective way to deal with
anger directed your way is to, first of all:
• Stay calm
& in control of you
• Don't be confrontational
• Slow down your reactions
•
Identify the style/type of anger that's used
• Identify your options & responses
•
Adopt the chosen strategy
Style 2: To frighten someone into submission:
When disagreements occur anger is used to get
someone/your partner to submit. The argument or discussion usually starts in a reasonable way but very soon spirals out of
control.
This happens when the controller sees
that they could lose the argument & not get their own way. The controller raises his/her voice, eyes bulge in their head,
their face turns the color of corpse white, they loom over you & shout in your face.
They resort to disgusting behavior
& language spitting obscenities your way. These outbursts, over a period of time, brainwash the victim into believing
they're worthless.
The victim in this scenario is baffled.
Lost for words. Disabled & unable to respond. He/she is temporarily tongue-tied as the fear of the moment takes over &
paralyzes them. Their only thought is to calm the person down & get out of the situation as soon as possible.
It's a dreadful feeling that you desperately
hope never happens again. It always does! The controller has deliberately resorted to anger
to get his/her own way & to ensure that they won’t be challenged about any issues in the future.
They'll not be challenged, if you challenge this type of individual – do it at your peril! This is the lowest form of interaction between
people. It's bullying & it subjects another person to threats & possible violence, unless they do what they're told.
It's cowardly. It stems from an inability
to discuss calmly, fairly & frankly the issue in hand for fear of losing the argument or discussion & also losing control of another person or set of circumstances.
The type of person that behaves in
this way only loves themselves. They say they love you, of course they would say that, but do you really believe that someone who loves you would treat you in that way?
On the other hand a controller who
is in love is so afraid of losing that special person that they resort to unacceptable behavior in order to frighten them into staying with them.
This home is a household ruled by threats & fears. A household should be ruled by love & compassion.
Being on the receiving end of threatening
behavior is fearsome. Being confronted with bulging eyes & a tight-lipped snarl is scary & would make most people
submit.
In my opinion, “a threat is a
projected fear on the part of the person with the threatening behavior.” If the person exposed to the threatening behavior can remember
this during the time the anger explodes, then they might feel more able to deal with the
outburst & re-act in a different way.
The person threatening is the person
who is scared & frightened & is projecting this fear on to their partner in the hope that the issue will go away.
They're becoming angry,
safe in the knowledge, that their demonic persona will frighten the other person into total submission.
Example:
• When someone
threatens to leave you if you don't comply with their demands
• When you
feel forced to do something against your will
• When you're
the subject of menacing behavior
• When your
every move is criticized
• When you're
constantly watched
A story unfolded in a counseling session:
A lady, who had been married for some 12 years confided that there is a list of things that she can't do, at home, for fear
of disapproval from her husband.
These are:
• She can't put nail varnish
on her nails as he doesn't like the smell & he becomes angry if she does this.
• She must not chew gum –
he can't stand the noise.
• She must not make conversation,
whilst out socializing, unless he likes the person she is speaking to.
• He says she snores, or breathes
too loudly, so he opts to sleep in the spare bedroom most nights.
• She must not fall asleep in
the chair in the living room. If she does this he slams his hand down on the arm of the chair, or stamps his foot on the floor
to awaken her (with a start!)
• When they
both go out for a meal & she chooses the table they sit at – he'll always decide to sit somewhere else as her choice
is unacceptable.
How to resist submitting to someone:
• Don’t respond/re-act
• Divert the conversation
• Challenge them
• Offer different options
• Realize they're cowards (knowing this, helps to take some fear away)
• Stop being afraid of them & know they're afraid of reaching at an outcome they can’t deal with
• Stay in reality &
in the moment – don’t be tempted to imagine an outcome that affects your future with this person
• If he/she threatens to leave you – don’t be gullible & believe him/her –
ask yourself has he/she ever left you before?
• Stay focused on your inner
state of mind & body
• Hold yourself still inside
• If you think the situation is going to spiral out of control & become violent – get the hell out!
• Smile, nod, agree & then do what you want to do
• Imagine
you're someone else – how would they respond?
• Disengage emotionally
(this can be achieved with practice, as below)
• Imagine you're the 3rd person in the room – stay with that person (in
your mind) & observe both yourself & your partner. This exercise will help you disengage from the
emotional entanglement you've become involved in.
• See you partner for who
he/she really is – ‘knowledge is power.’
This article is an excerpt taken from
Lynda Bevan’s book called, ‘MY WAY’ to help you live with someone else's anger.
The book explains the different styles
of anger & offers suggestions & options on how to react to each style. This book
is a must for those people living ‘on a knife’s edge’ & who are ‘treading egg shells,’ rather
than upset their partner.
click here to go to the source site!
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